The headlines and some comments on them.

Imagine training an AI on OkCupid photos and all it learned was 47 different ways people hold fish.

842

Somewhere an AI can identify me, my ex, and the guy I lost her to, all from the same bathroom mirror angle.

379

I asked AI about my chest pain and it told me to turn it off and on again.

1101

Yeah, go to a real doctor so they can glance at you for 90 seconds, nod thoughtfully, and then secretly ask ChatGPT in the hallway.

179

We're about to reach Alpha Centauri faster than a contractor can finish my kitchen remodel.

1000

Aliens on Alpha Centauri just saw this headline and started building a wall.👽🪓🧱

367

We've officially come full circle, we invented AI to fix our typos and now we need AI to put them back.

1100

For an extra five dollars a month, it also adds a passive-aggressive... per my last email... to every third message.

472

Meanwhile the owner of a vending machine next to it that sells Honey Buns, Doritos, and Pop-Tarts couldn’t understand why he suddenly had to restock it every 30 minutes.

1000

His mom called immediately: ‘Told you eating your veggies would pay off!’ 🍅💰

458

Imagine monetizing your kid's tantrum at Target and calling it a brand partnership.

1001

The article makes it sound dark and exploitative but honestly my parents did the same thing, they just got paid in Facebook likes from my aunt.

591

Can't wait for ChatGPT on the witness stand agreeing with the prosecutor, then turning to the defense and saying 'you raise an excellent point'.

539

Saving two thousand dollars on a nose job sounds great until your nose is in a different time zone than your face.

1201

The only thing worse than a bad facelift is a bad facelift with a layover in Frankfurt.

478

The fact that every single one of them listed their hometown as Pyongyang, New Jersey should have been the first clue.

774

By the time the feds knocked on the company's door, the North Korean had already been replaced by AI.

463

So we can expect AI to tell everyone not to worry about monetization, just focus on users.

667

I asked AI to review my business plan and it said the bad news is you'll fail, the good news is I'll buy your DMs for forty bucks.

518

I finally just got my screen time under four hours a day and Netflix said not on my watch.

998

Great, another app for parents to blame when their kid watches nine hours of vertical Cocomelon clips.

283

I honestly can't decide what's worse, losing 270 grand to a fake woman online, or being one of the athletes he used to write about who lost millions to a real woman.

1201

The shampoo was free, the rinse was $19, and leaving the bathroom triggered an early checkout fee.

831

The lotion was free but I used both hands to apply it so they charged me for a spa treatment.

508

He's asking fans to buy all his merch, which is the first true emergency he's ever reported.

877

Must be hard losing your company to a satire site and still somehow being the least believable one in the room.

335

And when the investors inevitably lose all their money, you can call them Angry Birds.

1200

First AI took our jobs, now it's taking our shoes.

404

The drones were probably trained on footage of the drivers chucking boxes out of moving vans.

759

Return drones are next, and you will have to throw the package into a moving drone's basket like a carnival game or your refund gets denied.

145

Blue Origin left the satellite with a planet two doors down and took a blurry photo as proof of delivery.

625

The tracking page just says delivered, leaned against a moon.

588

FIFA looked at American healthcare pricing and said yeah we can apply that model to public transit.

1301

On the bright side, that's a hundred dollars less someone can steal from you ON the train.

267

Right about now, the Ancient Aliens guy is slowly flattening his hair in a mirror wondering "was I replaced by a congresswoman from Florida? I think the answer is yes."

670

The book of Enoch did not survive three thousand years just to end up as a slide in a Florida town hall.🤦🏼

527

Imagine getting fired by a company whose entire brand is happily ever after.

753

Bold move sending a brutal email at a company where half the staff knows how to draw you as a villain.

424

Progress. Now release the razors from maximum security!

1101

Down 20% and I still need a staff meeting to buy deodorant.

204

If death becomes optional a lot of rich parents will never hear from their kids again.

951

I told my wife a fund is working to make death optional, and she immediately started a fund to make divorce mandatory.

477

Finally, a way to discriminate at scale without all that pesky human guilt.

1100

Regulators said they'd look into it, but their AI assistant flagged the task as low priority.

507

I said rest in "peace", not in bees!

1200

I love that even in death you can't escape noisy neighbors in New York.

175